Golden Bay

So it all began... if I can remember that long ago--so very much has happened since the world flipped upside down as I navigated it. If I can reproduce the sensations in my heart perhaps I can reproduce them here. OK lets go! wheeeee....

I found Madeline sitting neatly cross legged on the concrete at the airport, this headphoned short haired girl looking ready to destroy all normal sense of appropriate appearance to my pleasure. I picked her up and drove her back to my scuzzy flat in my beat up little car named Sharon. It felt strange having a car, I told her it was against my ideals but had come to me spontaneously. Cycling in traffic is exciting and invigorating, she told me. So you're that kind of girl, I told her.

She was a guest for the camp I was organizing. A Quaker youth camp, where all guardedness and tensions are torn down by the driving sense of community the games the silence in unison--these are times of an infectious spirit. She was with another guy, a friend of mine from long ago, but for our first evening he was yet to arrive. A dinner with the others in a friendly camp Japanese food bar found my seat next to her stolen while I was fetching the miso, usurping my opportunity to continue discussion on potential variations of her name. What a dick! It was so easy to talk to this girl, I wanted to more but there were things to do.

I wasn't seen at camp so much as I normally would have been. I was particularly reclusive, not especially suited to the pressures of people and logistical matters. I'm an archetypal Addled Professor at heart--at home with the big and abstract, hounded by mundane matters of everyday life. Nevertheless I was focused and at ease with my speech in another way brought by the confidence of an established role, as long as I wasn't taking time to recover alone. Camp was stressful and I wanted it to end so I could follow my next path, I was going to Golden Bay for a week of climbing in sunny paradise! As it turned out Madeline was hoping to get to Golden Bay before leaving the country, on the advice of many--perhaps in her words because she was "dressed like a hippy with the look of someone searching for utopia".

So then we were driving talking with her Ipod with some weed, past sleepy fields draped over hills rolling and piercing rocks content in their remote beauty. In New Zealand, land of gentle satisfaction, our conversation forever reaching further into who we really were. Stopping for the hot pools in the river rocks, for a stare at the heart of the galaxy from the lamp free wilderness and another joint. For kebab and coffee in Motueka over table for two, almost at our destination. A final drive, over the hill tired and soaking in the sounds of her music selection with all it's intensity, meaning, often romance. I loved being in the car with this girl. Our values aligned so perfectly and her taste so impeccable I wasn't the only one taking someone on a journey. She brought the most meaningful into casual conversation with so much ease, and she appreciated me so dearly.

Huddled in our sleeping bags, she asked me to keep her hands warm with mine. Busting the moves. Well shit. I seem to have a thing for inconvenient girls who's names start with M. International or at least inter-island, now this one was already going out with my buddy. But what is happening here? I asked myself inner monologiously. I couldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.

The next day I was to drop her off at our friend Hana's place. Brunch on the beach before we part, more weed, more driving, more music. Her captivatingly intelligent voice endlessly insightful and affirming. I had to stay with her at Hana's to be near that voice. Just a little longer? She asked me what I though about it, that she had feelings for me. I told her I wanted to make it work, but we knew it couldn't, right? Walking on Wharariki beach beside the churning caverns and the seals, I gave her a heart shaped rock.

Sunny days of compounding attachment, beer at the muss, restraint beyond massage. She had to go back to Auckland, for a relationship that was her roof. A final night in the tent--we can't not kiss after all that? No we can't. Just a kiss, and I mean, isn't the worst already done? We had fallen in love, no denying it, no turning back it can only be what it is and it is.

Some things in life are just neccesary but she couldn't tell her boyfriend, her boyfriend who I like and respect and who put alot into his relationship to no avail but can something that's working stop and wait for something that's not? Isn't heartbreak a part of life? Isn't it a horrible thing to do anyway? Well yes, it is.

Endless talking replaced by endless facebooking. Adoration! Fascination! She told me my metaphors teach her alot about chemistry, and she couldn't stop herself talking about me. We had to see each other again and we did for a magic week in but her flight to Alaska was her flight to Alaska and that was the end of it but it was not the end of it

The Beginning: The Late Middle

Well here I am. A hard up transient in the thrall of almost post directionless ramblings. I say almost post directionless because I wouldn't want to start feeling too much sense of achievement already. There's a long way to go to a solid plan, but now perhaps I can see which direction that is. This blog is an attempt to consolidate my newfound desire to produce. Let's see where it will go.

I'm in the town of Lander, Wyoming. I'm not going to talk about that now though. I've been away from my most familiar living room, New Zealand, for around 4 months now. Needless to say alot has happened in that time. I will stay no longer than 2 more. A short trip, but one filled with destruction, reality and renewal. I didn't come here for joy, I tell myself now. That can wait for later. Is that really true or was it actually all a mistake? My most numerous and opinionated readers, you can tell me what you think about that. Once I get some more written down of course. In any case, for now although I'm still scared, I have a workable plan and I'm more inspired than ever.

I'm going to write a chapter. A chapter of my life that may be something of a turning point. At least that is the theme of the week that I'm feeling right now. It begins, as many things probably do, with a spontaneous and inspiring romance. For now, I am hungry and soon there will be beer.